Dong Thap Conference

Gather round, fair lords and ladies, 

Listen to the epic tale that did come to befall last week, at Tyler’s Gigantic Dong (Thap Conference).

On the earliest morn of the day of Freya, I did set forth from the Land of Coconuts. Tyler of House Fleming had called the banners, and the lords and ladies of the Delta* had all been bid attend a gathering of the great leaders of the land. A “Con Fer Ence,” not seen since last year.

Despite brief worries over travel arrangements, I did rendezvous with my three loyal travel companions, Quan the Joyous, Michelle The Lady of Many Faces, and Kate. The dastardly bus driver tried to lose me among the chaos and confusion of Mien Tay station, but my wits were sharp and I was able to board the carriage at the last second.

We were soon on our way, with our spirits high and conversation flowing freely. Despite exhaustion caused by having stayed up all night watching YouTube videos, efforts at sleep completely evaded me. Excitement at seeing my fellow companions kept my blood flowing, as did the seven Red Bulls I had consumed that morning. #YOLO

Besides, whenever I wanted to go to sleep Michelle just had to bring up the latest movie she had seen. God, can’t you just discuss these movies with other people in your province?** Argo f*ck yourself. (But yeah, Silver Linings Playbook was awesome. SO MANY FEELINGS!!!)

They Heralded our approach with a big banner. Well-deserved

Quan the Joyous, full of joy

Our heroes (minus Kate, taking the picture) gather themselves and prepare for an epic encounter. We knew the odds against us were high, but we soldiered on regardless.

With hearts full of merriment and bodies lacking sleep, your four trusty adventures arrived in the land of Dong Thap, where we were greeted by the unusually cheerful Tyler “The Grinch” Fleming. 

Full of spirit and vivacity, we then proceeded to dance around the campus to the tune of “Vivaldi’s Four Seasons.” We completed three circuits of the campus before Quan complained about his feet hurting. Wimp.

Then we departed for an epic dinner of roast lamb, Shiraz red wine and lots of feelings. It was delicious, although the waiters were surprisingly rude at Tyler's insistence that he put on his own, "Operetta" playlist for the restaurant sound system. Unsurprisingly, Britney Spears and Lady Gaga continued to dominate the sound system.

On the way back, Kate tried to adopt every single adorable animal she saw. This was tolerated for a while, until Tyler grew frustrated at our slow pace, and began kicking (or in his words, “puppy punting”) any animal he saw out of sight. Harsh move, bro.

This led to problems later when Tyler dropkicked somebody’s rooster into the canal. The owner became quite miffed, but luckily Quan stepped in and offered three packages of Oreo cookies and a big smile as an apology. The man accepted the cookies. No idea where Quan got those.

Then we arrived back at Dong Thap College, and had a hearty round of smoothies, where we sat around and traded stories about our lives in Vietnam. This quickly evolved into an impromptu poetry slam, and within a couple hours we had an open mic and a rapt audience. We had to call it quits, though, as the owners finally caught on to us and told us to get off the tables.

Undaunted, we danced around the café until we were all tired and it was time for bed.

Exhausted from late-night mischief, and planning tomorrow's

We arrived that morning to a welcome sight. We entered the vast cavern of Dong Thap University, and one woman immediately caught our eye. Tall, and stately, with a bearing that approaches the regal. It’s…

OH MY GOD IT’S CLAIRE!!!

Relevant

Our band of heroes was now complete! 

Tyler “The Grinch”

Claire “Baller”

Michelle “The Lady of Many Faces”

Quan “the Joyous”

Kate “I’m sorry but I just can’t think of a good nickname for you now Kate, I’m really tired and it’s pretty late, I’m sorrrrrrrry?!”

Oh, and me.

Well, with all the proceedings complete, it was now time to begin the festivities.

We would each be helping a group of 8 students compete in a massive tournament of cultural analysis, 

English skills, physical attractiveness, soulful health and general mojo.

The students

Quan giving directions

My group!

The tournament was set up in a bracket, with each team struggling to reach the final.

The students would be competing in five different categories.

1. Complete breakdown of Star Wars vs. Star Trek, complete with in depth cultural analysis and relevant commentary. In either Klingon or Hutteese.

2. Best Stephen Colbert impression.

3. Live recitation of the works of T.S. Eliot

4. Grammar

5. Acapella renditions of Jay-Z’s greatest hits

We immediately set about coaching our students as best we could.

Quan explains the nuances of Vulcan philosophy

Michelle demonstrates a live reading of "The Wasteland"

Kate being Stephen Colbert being Joe Biden

Watching the original Star Wars opening credits 

Preparing our choreography for our rendition of "Otis"

Kate explains the difference between the simple past and the past-perfect

Totally random digression on ultimate frisbee. It seemed relevant at the time

Claire breaks down the lyrical structure of "99 problems"

Then it was time for the competition to start!

Explaining the difference between the Federation and the Empire

Getting ready to start our performance of "Otis"

Beginning his Colbert monologue with a bit on gun control. 

Demonstrating subject-object agreement

A reading of "The Hollow Men," complete with interpretive dance!

As we reached the final rounds, two groups had separated themselves from the rest. At the end of the competition, there was a tie! Despite all the great presentations, and fantastic performances, my group was tied with Claire's!

In the end, the final prize was determined by a rap battle between myself and Claire. I did well enough, but Claire destroyed me. Girl spits hot fire. Well played, Claire. Well played.

The winners! Claire's group took 1st, mine took 2nd and Kate's came in 3rd 

Then it was time for more celebration, and more pictures!

All the ETAs got prizes! I thought they were frisbees, but Tyler told me in no uncertain terms to never throw it. I never get to have any fun. 

My group's prize: A beautifully wrapped box, totally empty. Really, really nice box though.

The man and the woman behind it all.

Tyler and some of his students!

Everybody!

Pictures!

We ended up staying up late into the night, playing boardgames, setting up stock exchanges and writing foreign movie scripts for Kate to adapt when she gets to L.A.

Unwinding after a hard day. Notice all the snacks,

The next day, it was time for us all to return. We said our tearful goodbyes, and parted ways.

There were some misadventures on the way home for me, forcing me to walk 70 kilometers in the scorching heat. Luckily I befriended some local buffalo who took me in as one of their own, then shepherded (buffaloed?) me back to Ben Tre. Good times.

With one last successful conference in the books, I arrived back home and immediately passed out. Winning.

Hugs,
Jefferson

*Along with Michelle. I don’t know, she just sort of follows us around.

**Oh. Right. Rural Vietnam. Yeah.

P.S. So, none of this actually happened. I mean, the conference did happen, it just didn't happen like this, really at all. Still pretty fun though. 

P.P.S.

Celebrity puppy! This is Bong, previously seen in Tyler's blog. He is a former experiment dog that survived the experiments, so now he is a school pet. That is absolutely true. And he is really cute!